hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Let's get the cat blown out
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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