So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
