My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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