How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
