So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
