I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
