you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
