Having a random hookup so left but love u
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
