The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
