Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
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