Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
