I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize