I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
