I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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