I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
