"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
