now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
