we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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