Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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