whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
