his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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