We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
