if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
