I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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