is your mom at the bar?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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