so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
someone owes me an orgasm
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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