I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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