don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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