My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
