I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
