i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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