Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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