I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
