I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
How does one acquire holy water?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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