the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
