3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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