watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
