It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
