Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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