My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
