I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
