I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
