I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
