I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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