Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
