Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
