I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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