She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
