hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
