Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
