Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
