I'm lost and stupid without you.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
