I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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