I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
