You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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