my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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