If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I will pee on everything he values.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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