Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
