So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
