tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you inspire me to be a worse person
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
