I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
