So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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