It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
