Already got asked if we're dating
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
