Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
