As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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