I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
