you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
