I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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