In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
