Hey man sorry I got all grabby
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
